[A long time, but admittedly not the closest of relationships. Enough for her to trust him, at least, even if she doesn't quite know the details about his life.]
Sometimes, when you convince yourself the other side is inherently threatening just because it's the other side, it becomes easier to justify many things as self-defense. Or even just
so sitting in a diner and typing is dangerous to him? because he thinks it's self-defense or just something he had to do? it's so STUPID i mean you're not but that kind of thinking is i can see how easy it is to do it though especially if there are people like aunamee who think someone needs to die just because they didn't join the side they think is right but you're... not like that, are you? anymore at least i've never seen you act like that not really
[He tries, at least. He's... self-aware now, if nothing else.]
I don't know if Aunamee thinks exactly the same way I used to. Maybe not. Probably not. But that's not the point. The point is that there's nothing you could have done to keep him from lashing out. He wouldn't have listened.
i'm pretty sure you're doing better at least from what i've seen and since when does aunamee listen to anyone other than the fog god anyway even on a bad day he's mommy's favorite so you have a point
that he just knew i was following him not that i was just talking to him he could see it in my eyes or something he was like one of those really creepy people you see on crime shows the ones who think they're right when they're definitely not and just assuming things about people and automatically assuming i was dangerous i'm 19 i haven't even gotten old enough to have a coming of age ceremony yet!!!! and he thinks i'm a threat! i don't remember anything else after that though...
[The only things she remembers is a blur of pain, blood, panic, and the scent of decay. SHe's kind of glad she doesn't remember more than that. She doesn't want to.]
how are you supposed to keep it from happening if you don't fight him? not that i want you to fight him anyway aunamee does what he wants so how do you keep people from getting hurt when just existing is enough to make him want to kill you?
don't make promises you can't keep not until you figure it out saying that kind of thing makes you sound all cool and it'd be fine if it were a shounen manga or something but ryslig isn't like that and it won't ever be and i hate that because i'm sick of all of my nightmares and getting hurt and dying and killing people to survive and my panic attacks and everything else and i don't know if i'd be ok with you trying to sacrifice yourself or anything else you could do! if it involved something happening to you too
[Marco isn't sure what a shounen manga is, but he thinks he gets the gist of it.]
Haha. Sorry.
Don't worry, I'm not planning to die either.
To be honest, I've been afraid to act for a long time, because of how I USED to act. It feels like I'm only just now dipping my toes into recruiting and spreading the word again And I still don't want to go as far as I did back then. Never again.
If both sides of the conflict were consistently peaceful, it might be easier. But apparently, that's just not how things work.
not really but conflict usually means it's not peaceful anyway and i understand it! it's hard because i want to hurt aunamee i want to do really bad things to him but i don't want to give into that either even if most people would say it was justified! but it doesn't help that the fog god doesn't even care if we hurt each other so her priests usually think that means they can do whatever and it's not like she'll ever do anything about it
[The Fog God certainly is... laissez-faire. That is perhaps the most objective view Marco has managed to have, now that Fiddleford is on her side.
Anyway. Disclosure.
He's not going to lie. He can't.]
I know how this is going to sound, but I can't remember everything very clearly. I was in a bad place I It's not JUST the god issue, I have... some things But I attempted murder, yes. I COMMITTED murder at least once. I thought it was for a "good cause."
it's hard to believe that you would but i don't disbelieve it either you just don't seem like that at all and it's really easy to be in a bad place here... so i don't think i can really blame you because i get it
It's easy to say I wasn't really myself And frankly, I don't think it would be a lie. But I'm hardly "cured." That's why I'm a lot more careful these days.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cries i'm sorry i've been so slow
It's not your fault, Makoto.
You didn't do anything wrong.
[Even if she'd provoked him... No. For Aunamee, being with Elias is provocation in and of itself.]
MAN NO you're totally fine don't worry
i should've known better
i just wanted to take a break from work!!!
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He came after you just because he's labeled you an enemy.
There's no other reason.
[...]
I would know.
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i mean, you don't have to talk about it
but i know what you're implying
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How long has Makoto known him, again?]
That
isn't UNtrue.
It's not wrong.
But I confess that's not what I meant.
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marco
then what did you mean?
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it becomes easier to justify many things as self-defense.
Or even just
righteous.
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because he thinks it's self-defense or just something he had to do?
it's so STUPID
i mean you're not but
that kind of thinking is
i can see how easy it is to do it though
especially if there are people like aunamee who think someone needs to die just because they didn't join the side they think is right
but you're... not like that, are you?
anymore at least
i've never seen you act like that
not really
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[He tries, at least. He's... self-aware now, if nothing else.]
I don't know if Aunamee thinks exactly the same way I used to.
Maybe not. Probably not.
But that's not the point. The point is that there's nothing you could have done to keep him from lashing out.
He wouldn't have listened.
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at least from what i've seen
and since when does aunamee listen to anyone other than the fog god anyway
even on a bad day he's mommy's favorite
so you have a point
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It's okay if you don't remember.
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not that i was just talking to him
he could see it in my eyes or something
he was like one of those really creepy people you see on crime shows
the ones who think they're right when they're definitely not
and just assuming things about people
and automatically assuming i was dangerous
i'm 19
i haven't even gotten old enough to have a coming of age ceremony yet!!!!
and he thinks i'm a threat!
i don't remember anything else after that though...
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Knowing that Makoto doesn't remember what happened in full detail, though... It comes as a bit of a relief.]
This won't happen again.
I'm not going to fight him, don't worry.
But I promised myself years ago that nobody would get hurt again.
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how are you supposed to keep it from happening if you don't fight him?
not that i want you to fight him anyway
aunamee does what he wants
so how do you keep people from getting hurt when just existing is enough to make him want to kill you?
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I don't know.
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not until you figure it out
saying that kind of thing makes you sound all cool and it'd be fine if it were a shounen manga or something
but ryslig isn't like that
and it won't ever be
and i hate that
because i'm sick of all of my nightmares and getting hurt and dying and killing people to survive and my panic attacks and everything else
and i don't know if i'd be ok with you trying to sacrifice yourself
or anything else you could do!
if it involved something happening to you too
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Haha. Sorry.
Don't worry, I'm not planning to die either.
To be honest, I've been afraid to act for a long time, because of how I USED to act.
It feels like I'm only just now dipping my toes into recruiting and spreading the word again
And I still don't want to go as far as I did back then. Never again.
If both sides of the conflict were consistently peaceful, it might be easier.
But apparently, that's just not how things work.
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but conflict usually means it's not peaceful anyway
and i understand it!
it's hard
because i want to hurt aunamee
i want to do really bad things to him
but i don't want to give into that either
even if most people would say it was justified!
but it doesn't help that the fog god doesn't even care if we hurt each other
so her priests usually think that means they can do whatever
and it's not like she'll ever do anything about it
is it ok if i ask how far you did go?
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Anyway. Disclosure.
He's not going to lie. He can't.]
I know how this is going to sound, but I can't remember everything very clearly.
I was in a bad place
I
It's not JUST the god issue, I have... some things
But I attempted murder, yes.
I COMMITTED murder at least once.
I thought it was for a "good cause."
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but i don't disbelieve it either
you just don't seem like that
at all
and it's really easy to be in a bad place here...
so i don't think i can really blame you
because i get it
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It's easy to say I wasn't really myself
And frankly, I don't think it would be a lie.
But I'm hardly "cured."
That's why I'm a lot more careful these days.
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i think your efforts are paying off!
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I appreciate hearing it, sincerely.