[thankfully, he isn't bothered by the sadness: he knows people's options once they've heard his story are going to invariably be pity, anger, or fear. he nods a little, the smile becoming just that little bit more genuine]
Now you understand why I was so afraid of how open my mind was to all of that ... I want people to learn about it when and how I decide, not ... because I can't help seeing so much of this place through that lens. Of ... of what he would think of it all. What he'd do.
Anyone would be afraid, I think. But I do understand. I...
[He sighs. Even here and now, this is difficult for him to talk about.]
When I gained the ability to use the network like that, I don't think I... knew yet, that there was something wrong with me. Not exactly, not... fully. But I was still terrified. I felt so exposed, and... and it felt like anything I did to try and regain control over what I was putting out there just made it worse.
[he says it with a knowing glance, even if he's a little embarrassed to admit it. after telling someone about the Goblin, how could anything else be worse?]
D'you get that thing where - you start to get nervous, then you get annoyed that you're nervous, so you try to shut it down, but it just gets worse, and becomes this awful cycle?
[The expression on Marco's face could be described as a "wry smile," though some might call the "smile" part into question. He spirals, yes, but nervous feels like an understatement. It's more as if...
Again, he takes a deep breath.]
I think about things. I... connect dots. But sometimes, dots aren't supposed to be-- Sometimes, there aren't even any dots. Not really. So I catch myself doing it, and I stop. But then I wonder... If... the dots aren't really there, why can I see them so clearly? How can I ignore them? Sometimes I just have to connect them and pretend I don't see the line. Sometimes I-- I get... stuck, drawing lines and erasing them and drawing them again because I'm not sure which one is right.
It's... something like that.
[At no point during that explanation did he make eye contact with Norman. On a potentially related note, now that he got it out of his system, he's not sure it's anything like what Norman was describing at all.]
[Marco's right, it IS entirely different. and yet Norman can follow the thread of it well enough, since it relates to how he tends to think when he's running on partial memory and trying to figure out what things the Goblin was responsible for, how he got from point A to point B. sometimes he'll think it was a lot worse than it actually was. and sometimes he underestimates his own subconscious capacity for cruelty.]
Those moments when you're not sure what's real - whether you can trust your own perception of things ... I've been there. It's terrifying.
[he thinks on this for a second, and then:]
If you ever need to, I dunno, double-check any dots. You can ask me. I won't make anything of it.
[Somehow, roundabout as the road may have been, they have reached common ground. It isn't enough for Marco to relax, not entirely, but he still feels something like relief; his smile looks marginally more worthy of the name now.]
I appreciate that.
[It's... embarrassing, yes, and he'll probably stick to asking Fiddleford for the foreseeable future. But he appreciates the sentiment, still.]
Oh, no, no. [He waves a hand.] Nothing I can't get back to with ample time.
[Don't worry if Marco seems uncomfortable, Norman - it's not personal. He just... struggles to talk about these things. Even if it's easier than it used to be, it still isn't effortless.]
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Now you understand why I was so afraid of how open my mind was to all of that ... I want people to learn about it when and how I decide, not ... because I can't help seeing so much of this place through that lens. Of ... of what he would think of it all. What he'd do.
no subject
[He sighs. Even here and now, this is difficult for him to talk about.]
When I gained the ability to use the network like that, I don't think I... knew yet, that there was something wrong with me. Not exactly, not... fully. But I was still terrified. I felt so exposed, and... and it felt like anything I did to try and regain control over what I was putting out there just made it worse.
no subject
[he says it with a knowing glance, even if he's a little embarrassed to admit it. after telling someone about the Goblin, how could anything else be worse?]
D'you get that thing where - you start to get nervous, then you get annoyed that you're nervous, so you try to shut it down, but it just gets worse, and becomes this awful cycle?
no subject
[The expression on Marco's face could be described as a "wry smile," though some might call the "smile" part into question. He spirals, yes, but nervous feels like an understatement. It's more as if...
Again, he takes a deep breath.]
I think about things. I... connect dots. But sometimes, dots aren't supposed to be-- Sometimes, there aren't even any dots. Not really. So I catch myself doing it, and I stop. But then I wonder... If... the dots aren't really there, why can I see them so clearly? How can I ignore them? Sometimes I just have to connect them and pretend I don't see the line. Sometimes I-- I get... stuck, drawing lines and erasing them and drawing them again because I'm not sure which one is right.
It's... something like that.
[At no point during that explanation did he make eye contact with Norman. On a potentially related note, now that he got it out of his system, he's not sure it's anything like what Norman was describing at all.]
no subject
Those moments when you're not sure what's real - whether you can trust your own perception of things ... I've been there. It's terrifying.
[he thinks on this for a second, and then:]
If you ever need to, I dunno, double-check any dots. You can ask me. I won't make anything of it.
no subject
I appreciate that.
[It's... embarrassing, yes, and he'll probably stick to asking Fiddleford for the foreseeable future. But he appreciates the sentiment, still.]
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[he glances around the office, wondering if this conversation is veering toward something uncomfortable for Marco.]
I hope I'm not keeping you from anything.
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[Don't worry if Marco seems uncomfortable, Norman - it's not personal. He just... struggles to talk about these things. Even if it's easier than it used to be, it still isn't effortless.]